


Close To Here But Far From Now

by dixons_mama



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame Fix-It, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Flashbacks, Gay Sex, Happily Ever After, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marvel Trumps Hate 2020, Minor Bucky Barnes/OC, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Prostitution, Top Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:02:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29771763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dixons_mama/pseuds/dixons_mama
Summary: “We… we can’t have this,” Steve murmured but Bucky heard it loud and clear. He felt the words as they coiled painfully around his heart.“What do you mean? Why?” Bucky tried not to let the fear and panic show in his voice.“We can’t have this, Buck.” Steve placed a hand over Bucky’s heart. “You know why, just like I do.”Bucky scoffed, “Since when do you care about-”“I won’t let you get hurt because of me.”Bucky bit his lip, unable to stop the tears. “It hurts now.”“I know.” Wrapping his arms around Bucky’s torso, Steve sighed. “Maybe someday we can have this… close to here, but far from now.”___Bucky finds himself in uncharted territory with Steve after a terrible discovery. The following day, he receives his conscription orders.What does the world hold for them 84 years later?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 35
Kudos: 125
Collections: Marvel Trumps Hate 2020





	1. Love Is Not Fair & War Isn't Holy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Giveemhale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giveemhale/gifts).



> This is my contribution Marvel Trumps Hate 2020! I am beyond honored to have been a part of such a great charity event.
> 
> As always, huge thanks to my beta, [humapuma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/humapuma/pseuds/humapuma/)

_So much to talk about_

_So afraid to let it out_

_But we’ll find a way somehow_

_Close to here but far from now_

_____  
  


**_1943_ **

Bucky looked both ways cautiously before approaching the man standing in the dim entrance of the alleyway. “H-hi, uh, I was wondering, uh-”

The knowing smirk on his face made Bucky squirm but the man nodded towards the back of the alley and Bucky followed him. There was still just enough light to make out the man’s appearance; he wore a threadbare tank top and poorly tailored slacks; he was rail thin but only a couple of inches shorter than Bucky; his light brown hair cut short. 

"Two dollars, you can fuck me. One and a half dollars for a suck job, and for one dollar, I’ll jerk you off." The man drawled, looking almost bored.

Bucky looked around, biting his lip nervously as the petite man spoke to him. He couldn't believe he was doing this, paying a hustler for sex. His mother would be so ashamed, the thought almost enough to make him change his mind. _Almost._ Bucky was desperate, though, he had to get this out of his system - these sinful desires. Then, hopefully, the urges would stop. Or at least lessen. He couldn’t keep going on like this, lusting after an unattainable man.

"Ya know, guys are makin' half as much doin' honest work," Bucky finally answered, handing the man a crumpled dollar bill and two quarters. He tried his best to hide the guilt and anxiety that washed over him, although he doubted the man cared.

"Why do ya think I'm doing this?" The man winked. "With lips as pretty as yours, you could be earning even more." 

Bucky ignored the comment and closed his eyes as the hooker crouched down in front of him. He felt his trousers being opened, and then a hot, wet mouth was on him. A small gasp escaped his mouth, and Bucky found himself slowly but surely getting hard. Tilting his head back against the brick wall behind him, he let out a quiet groan as his breathing picked up. He bit his lip when he felt his erection being swallowed down fully.

Suddenly, the sound of a trash can falling over echoed through the alley, and Bucky jerked his head sideways. The blood drained from his face. Standing there, no more than twenty feet away, was Steve. In the darkness, he couldn't make out much, but Bucky could see Steve's hands balled up into tight fists. Only a brief moment passed before Steve turned and took off at a brisk pace. Bucky wasn't sure how long he stood there holding his breath, but he felt dizzy when he finally let it out.

"You want me to keep going?" The man finally asked. "No refunds for interruptions," He emphasized. Bucky pushed him away, tucked his now flaccid cock back into his pants, and ran. 

He didn't know where he was running to, anywhere but home. Bucky kept going until his lungs burned and he could feel his heart pounding painfully in his chest. With wobbly legs, he entered a small park and sat against a tree trying to catch his breath. It was late and dark clouds were covering the sky. Pulling his knees up to his chest, Bucky laid his head down and tried to think.

Steve had seen him. He’d seen Bucky with his pants open and a man sucking him off. Steve had looked pissed, too. Or had that been an expression of disgust? Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back tears; how could he ever go back home and face Steve? Would he ask Bucky to leave their apartment? Steve wouldn't tell anyone, Bucky was sure. Even if he hated Bucky now, Steve would never be so cruel, and what would people say if word got out that he was living with a queer? He'd be ostracized or maybe even worse. 

" _Shit_ ," Bucky muttered. What had he been thinking? What if it had been someone else that caught him? Steve couldn't afford to live on his own _and_ pay for his prescriptions. Bucky had endangered his friend, all because of his sick urges. 

Looking up, Bucky saw a bolt of lightning streak across the sky, followed by a booming clap of thunder. When rain began pelting down on him, biting painfully into his skin, Bucky stayed seated; he could handle a bit of rain if it meant avoiding what faced him at home. But when a strong wind kicked up only minutes later, Bucky found himself shivering uncontrollably. Knowing he couldn't afford to get sick, he begrudgingly got to his feet and began walking home.

By the time he reached the apartment, his shoes were soaked and his teeth were chattering loudly. As he stood outside the door, he took several deep breaths, trying to work up the courage to face what awaited him, but then the door suddenly swung open.

"Bucky!" Steve stared at him in disbelief. "What are you doing out there?" When Bucky didn't answer, Steve grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him inside, closing the door behind them.

"I-" Bucky wasn't sure what to say. Standing there, sopping wet and freezing in front of Steve, words felt impossible.

"Jesus, your lips are blue." Steve frowned, then left the room while Bucky stood still, unsure if he was even welcome to stay. Steve returned a moment later, though, with towels and blankets that he shoved into Bucky’s arms. It was then that he noticed tears in Steve’s eyes "Here. I'm going to bed."

Steve stared at him for a moment and Bucky _wanted_ to say something, _anything_ , but his words were caught in his throat. Steve seemed to be waiting for him to speak up, but when Bucky remained silent, he turned and walked to their shared bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind him. Bucky got the message loud and clear; he wasn't welcome. Sighing heavily, Bucky peeled his soaking wet clothes off of his frigid body, grateful to find a clean pair of boxers tucked between the linens. Once Bucky had dried himself off, he quickly put on his new underwear and took the blankets to the sofa, wrapping up in them before lying down. He felt completely drained but his mind wouldn’t allow him the comfort of sleep. Instead, dark thoughts haunted him throughout the night.

Bucky wasn’t sure what to make of the fact that Steve had had tears in his eyes; Steve Rogers did _not_ cry. In fact, the only time Bucky had ever seen him shed tears was when his ma died. Was it possible that Steve was so angry (or worse, _disgusted_ ) that it was making him cry? Bucky wanted to know. He wanted to barge into their bedroom and just _ask_. Yet, he also didn’t want to know, didn’t want to hear Steve say that Bucky had just ruined the most important relationship he’d ever had.

The sun was peeking through the living room window by the time he began drifting to sleep, but when he felt someone suddenly shaking him, Bucky jumped off of the couch, ready for an emergency. He wasn’t prepared to see Steve standing there, in just an undershirt and threadbare boxers. Bucky swallowed thickly, this was it. The end.

Neither of them spoke, simply stared at one another for a long moment. Bucky quickly noticed that Steve looked just as tired as he felt, his eyes bloodshot and with bags under them. Finally the silence became too much and Bucky rubbed the back of his neck, ducking his head.

“Hi.” He knew it was inadequate but he wasn’t sure what words, if any, could possibly fix this.

“Bucky…” Steve trailed off, before sighing heavily. “We need to talk… about last night.”

Scrubbing his hands over his face, Bucky sat back down on the couch. Steve hesitated for a moment before he followed suit, sitting on the far edge of the other cushion. It made Bucky’s stomach drop.

“Yeah,” He finally murmured. 

“Why, Buck? Why were you- I mean, I saw _why_ but you… you’re- you’re not-” Steve cut himself off, looking frustrated with himself. “Have you ever done that before?”

“No, never,” Bucky admitted. “That was the first time I ever...”

“But you like dames! Why didn’t you just-” 

“I couldn’t,” Bucky interrupted. “I needed to go with a guy.” Steve wiped unshed tears from his eyes and Bucky nearly choked on the sob he was holding back. “I’m sorry,” He whispered.

Steve looked at him, lips pressed together in a tight line. “Do you like guys?”

Bucky didn’t know how to respond and struggled with what to say. No matter what he said, Bucky knew it wouldn’t fix anything; he knew he had to bite the bullet and accept the consequences. “A little, but… mostly just one. I was trying to get over him by paying for a…” Swallowing thickly, Bucky forced himself to go on, “I’m sorry, Steve. I know it wasn’t right and you have every reason to hate me. If you want me to leave, I understand.”

“I could never hate you, Buck,” Steve croaked, as more tears spilled down his cheeks. “And I don’t want you to leave. I just want to know why you didn’t tell me.”

“I couldn’t!” Bucky stood and began pacing the room, feeling completely overwhelmed. “I couldn’t,” He repeated.

“ _Why?_ ” Steve demanded, standing and grabbing hold of Bucky, stopping him. 

“It doesn’t matter.” The urge to get out was strong. Instead, Bucky ran his fingers through his hair, giving it a slight tug, in hopes of grounding himself. 

“It _does_ matter.” Steve crossed his arms. “Is- Is it someone I know?”

Despite his defensive posture, Bucky found that he couldn’t read his friend’s expression. “I… I guess, yeah.” He sighed, looking away from Steve’s intense gaze.

“You _guess_?” Steve threw his hands into the air. “It doesn’t matter to me who it is, Buck. I don’t understand why you won’t tell me.”

The fight seeped out of Bucky’s body and he felt exhausted. The damage was done the second Steve caught him in that alley, and there was no fixing it. Things between them would never be the same, and Bucky knew it. Nothing he could say could make it better, so Bucky decided to tell the truth. 

“Because it’s you,” He mumbled under his breath.

“That is _not_ funny,” Steve hissed at him.

Bucky frowned. “Trust me, I know it’s not.” Steve’s face softened the tiniest bit, so Bucky went on. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never meant for you to find out.”

“I never meant for you to find out either.” Steve huffed out a humorless laugh.

“I don’t understand.” Bucky tilted his head in confusion.

Steve wrapped his arms around himself and looked down at his bare feet, before taking a step back. “Why’d you think I hated all those stupid double dates?” He murmured.

Bucky wasn’t sure what was happening. This couldn’t be real. Every time he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. 

Steve looked up hesitantly. “You really didn’t know?” 

Shaking his head, Bucky rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks flush. “I’ve always been so caught up on making sure you didn’t know how I felt about you…’

“How.. h-how could you?” Steve stammered and Bucky wasn’t sure what exactly Steve was asking him. “I mean… I’m _me_! Y-you could have anyone!”

“That’s why.” Bucky took a step toward him. “Because you’re _you_.” 

Looking at him incredulously, Steve furrowed his brows, clearly not convinced. So, slowly, Bucky stepped into Steve’s space and cupped his cheek gently. The way Steve pressed into his palm had butterflies fluttering in Bucky’s stomach. Then, cautiously, he leaned in, giving Steve plenty of time to pull away but, when he didn’t, Bucky kissed him. When their lips met, Steve placed his hands on Bucky’s chest, gripping at his shirt. 

It was clumsy and tentative at first, before turning deeper and heated. Bucky knew he would remember this moment for the rest of his life.

After pulling back, only enough to look into Steve’s eyes, Bucky whispered against his lips. “ _I love you, Stevie._ ”

“We… we can’t have this,” Steve murmured but Bucky heard it loud and clear. He _felt_ the words as they coiled painfully around his heart.

“What do you mean? Why?” Bucky tried not to let the fear and panic show in his voice.

“We can’t have _this_ , Buck.” Steve placed a hand over Bucky’s heart. “You know why, just like I do.”

Bucky scoffed, “Since when do you care about-”

“I won’t let you get hurt because of me.”

Bucky bit his lip, unable to stop the tears. “It hurts now.”

“I know.” Wrapping his arms around Bucky’s torso, Steve sighed. “Maybe someday we can have this… close to here, but far from now.”

“I-I have to go to work.” Bucky gently pulled out of the hug and looked away, doing his best to avoid Steve’s gaze. 

He heard Steve sniffle quietly. “Right.” He took a step back. “I’ll put some stew on for dinner.”

Bucky nodded curtly and headed to his bedroom to get dressed. He wanted to scream, to cry, to disappear from this pain. But he held it in, just the way he always had. 

Less than 48 hours later, Bucky received his conscription orders; he was set to ship out the following weekend. Bucky allowed himself to sit in the corner of the living room and cry. He cried until his whole body ached and his face was a mess of tears, snot, and saliva. He knew Steve was due home from his job interview soon, though, and went to the kitchen to clean himself up with cold water. 

The sun was just beginning to set when Steve walked through the door. “Hey, Buck.”

“Hey, how’d it go?” Bucky asked as casually as he could.

“Pretty well,” Steve went into the bedroom to change, while Bucky remained in the kitchen. He would usually follow along to keep up the conversation but… he couldn't today. After his confession the day before, they both tried their best to go on as usual, but the sudden distance they kept was far from normal.

“Do you think you got the job?” He filled a glass with water and drank it down, needing to get his wits together before he broke the news to Steve.

“I think so.” Steve joined him and sat at the table. “Mr. Grimes said he really liked my portfolio and would let me know in a day or so.”

“That’s great news, Steve.” Bucky sat opposite of him, nerves running wild.

Steve furrowed his brows. “What’s wrong? What is it?” He reached out to touch Bucky’s hand but hesitated, before finally giving a small squeeze and pulling back.

Bucky wanted to vomit. 

“I… I enlisted.” His stomach rolled as he forced the words out. The thought of leaving Steve behind, never getting a chance to try to get back to where they were, felt like a knife in his heart. “I got my papers today.”

The silence was deafening and it unnerved Bucky. He’d expected Steve to be furious, to yell about how they’d accepted Bucky but not him. Instead, Steve just stared at him.

“When do you ship out?” Steve asked, solemnly.

“The twenty-fifth,” He rasped in reply.

Nodding, Steve gave a half-hearted smile. “We should go to Coney island.”

“Yeah, we should.” Bucky took a deep breath, unsure of how he was managing to keep his composure. 

“The World’s Fair is the twenty-fourth, there’s going to be a Stark Expo.” Steve nudged Bucky’s foot under the table. “Might get to see some futuristic creations like in your sci-fi books.”

Bucky forced himself to chuckle lightly, though it felt like sandpaper in his throat. “That sounds like fun, Stevie.”

The next morning they headed out early, hoping to enjoy the beach before the crowds took over. Bucky watched Steve as he stood at the edge of the water, allowing small waves to wash over his bare feet. The thought that this could be their last time at the beach together nearly brought Bucky to tears, but he held them back, determined not to ruin the moment. Instead, he joined Steve.

“This is nice,” He murmured.

“Yeah," Steve replied softly, "we’ll have to come back when you get home.” 

Bucky closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Sure.”

Over the following days, Steve spent every waking moment with Bucky, taking him to a baseball game, their favorite soda shop, and even the Met. Bucky relished every second they spent together, grateful for each smile and laugh Steve let out. The only thing that weighed on Bucky’s mind was that Steve seemed insistent that they always go somewhere public. They barely spent any time alone, and when they did, Steve kept his distance. It hurt Bucky in a way he’d never felt before.

_____

As they walked through the World’s Fair together, two dames in tow, Bucky itched to touch Steve; to kiss him; to hold him. Just one last time. Because Bucky knew, deep down, he wasn’t coming back home once he got on that ship. He tried not to let his dark thoughts show on his face, Steve was trying his hardest to make Bucky happy, and he wanted to be appreciative of his efforts.

“You having a good time?” Steve asked, staring at Bucky with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, uh, yeah, definitely,” He sputtered, looking around for their dates, grateful when he spotted them in the distance. “How about you?”

“Yeah, Stark’s car was pretty neat, even if it did malfunction a bit.” Steve chuckled but there was no joy behind it.

Bucky looked at his watch. “It’s almost ten, we should get the girls home.”

“Right, good idea.” Steve didn’t move and he continued staring at Bucky.

Suddenly feeling uneasy, Bucky nodded towards their dates. “I’ll go get em.”

Once they’d dropped their dates off, a heavy silence fell between them. Bucky noticed that every time he glanced in Steve’s direction, Steve was looking right back at him, though they both quickly averted their eyes. As they reached their apartment, Bucky kicked off his shoes and hung his coat, watching Steve do the same before plopping onto the couch. 

Sitting beside him, Bucky fidgeted nervously. “Had a lot of fun these past few days, I appreciate it Stevie.”

“Of course.” Steve swallowed thickly. “What are… what are friends for, right?”

Bucky sighed and leaned his head back, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears he felt forming. “Right,” He croaked.

“Buck,” Steve whispered, “I-”

Looking over at him, Bucky saw that Steve’s brows were furrowed and he seemed to be struggling to speak.

“What is it?”

“Nevermind.” Steve stood then and began heading toward the bedroom. Bucky jumped up and followed him.

“Wait!” He grabbed Steve’s arm, and Steve looked at him with wide eyes. “I just… I’m gonna miss you like crazy.” When Steve reached out to cup his cheek, Bucky couldn’t help but lean into the touch. “C-can I hug you?”

Without hesitating, Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky tightly. Bucky melted into him and pressed his lips to the top of Steve’s head. When Steve pulled back slightly to look up at him, Bucky felt like he was drowning in everything he was feeling. Without thinking, he leaned down and kissed Steve. 

“Bucky,” Steve mumbled, and Bucky immediately stopped.

“I-I’m sorry,” He choked out nervously.

“No, don’t be,” Steve’s voice shook as he spoke. “I want you.” Bucky’s eyes widened, but before he could question him, Steve continued, lip quivering. “I _need_ you, Buck.”

Taking a deep breath, Bucky could only whisper, “I need you, too.”

Hand in hand, he followed Steve into their bedroom and for a moment they stood there, staring at each other. Bucky felt hesitation gnawing at him, _did Steve truly want this?_ Just as he was about to ask, Steve stepped forward and kissed him. It was chaste at first, and Bucky wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, until Steve took them in his own and guided them to his hips. He pulled back then, looking at Bucky with a sad smile on his face.

“You don’t want to do this, do you?” He asked, eyes pooling with tears.

Sucking in a harsh breath, Bucky tightened his grip on Steve’s hip and rested his forehead against Steve’s. “I do, so much. I just… I don’t... I don’t want you to regret it.”

Steve shook his head and held Bucky’s face in his hands. “I could never, I swear it.”

Slowly, he began unbuttoning Bucky’s shirt, his eyes never looking away. Once it was removed, Bucky followed suit, and they undressed one another with gentle hands and soft kisses.

Tentatively, they crawled into bed together, and laid face to face. Bucky licked his lips nervously before pulling Steve closer and kissing him deeply. Steve reciprocated immediately and pulled Bucky on top of his body, wrapping his arms and legs around him. As he rested his weight on his forearms, Bucky tucked his face into Steve’s neck, licking, sucking, and biting gently.

When Bucky felt Steve’s hard cock pressing against him, he couldn’t stop the guttural moan that escaped. “Oh, god, Stevie.”

Steve then took hold of Bucky’s face and yanked him down for another searing kiss. “I need it, Buck. Please?”

Even though he was unsure of what exactly Steve wanted, Bucky nodded all the same. He had never been able to tell Steve no. 

“Anything,” He whispered against Steve’s lips.

“Take me,” Steve answered softly, “I want you to make me yours.”

Bucky whimpered at Steve’s words, almost unable to believe what he’d heard. “Y-you want me to-” Cutting himself off, Bucky bit his bottom lip, blushing to the tips of his ears.

“I want you to make love to me.” Steve’s own face reddened as Bucky sucked in a sharp breath.

Steve had said he wouldn’t regret this, that he truly wanted it, and Bucky knew Steve would never lie to him. “Okay,” He breathed, “I’ll make love to you, Stevie.” 

“Um, there’s slick-”

Before he could finish, Bucky reached into the drawer of their tiny bedside table, and pulled out a jar of Vaseline. He twisted the top off and dipped two of his fingers inside, scooping out a generous amount. Once his fingers were thoroughly covered, Bucky leaned back and gasped as Steve pulled his legs up to his chest.

Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand just as he was reaching down, eyes wide. “Have… um, have you done this before?”

Bucky shook his head. “No, never, have-” Gulping, he went on. “Have you?”

The blush on Steve’s cheeks had Bucky’s stomach twisting into a knot. Steve had-

“Not… Not with another person,” Steve whispered shyly.

After a moment of digesting the words, Bucky’s eyes widened and he felt his cock grow harder. “Y-you mean-” Before he could finish, Steve shrugged and looked away nervously, lips pressed into a tight line. Bucky couldn’t have that, so he leaned down, pressing his face against Steve’s neck. “Oh, Stevie,” He moaned, kissing his way up to Steve’s jaw. “Let me know if I’m doing it right, okay?”

Reaching back down, Bucky carefully began circling a finger over Steve’s entrance. Once he felt the furled muscle relaxing, he began sliding in, watching Steve’s face, looking for any sign of pain or discomfort. Instead, though, he was already breathing deeply, his mouth gaping, and eyes hooded. When he noticed Bucky had stilled his movements and was staring at him, Steve blushed. “‘S good, you can keep going,” He whispered.

Bucky nodded and looked down at his hand, then began sliding his finger in and out. He was cautious but thorough as Steve begged for a second, then third finger, eyes darting back and forth between Steve’s face and ass.

“Do you think you’re ready?” Bucky asked, attempting to control his heavy breathing. His cock was so hard it ached, and he wanted so badly to be inside of Steve; to be fully connected in a way that neither of them had ever been.

“Oh, God,” Steve huffed raggedly, “I’m so ready.”

As quickly as he could, Bucky slathered slick on his cock and pressed it to Steve’s hole. For a moment he hesitated, knowing this would change everything, for both of them, forever. Keeping himself in hand, he leaned down and kissed Steve deeply, pouring all of the emotion he could into it. When Steve wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist, Bucky pushed his hips forward.

“ _Fuck_ ,” He breathed, squeezing his eyes shut. Bucky felt his cock sliding into Steve’s body, and it felt so incredibly tight that he briefly wondered how he was fitting.

“Buck,” Steve whimpered, and his eyes shot open. “Don’t close your eyes.”

“Yeah, okay.” Bucky kissed him again, and when he felt himself bottom out, Bucky could only bury his face against Steve’s neck.

Steve wrapped his arms tightly around Bucky’s back, his breathing harsh and deep. Bucky moved ever so slightly, wanting to gauge Steve’s reaction, and was rewarded with a long, drawn out moan that seemed to burst out of Steve. “More, m-move, feels so good.” Bucky could feel his heart speeding up, and knew the cause was more than just the sex. _He_ was making Steve feel this way, giving him pleasure in a way no one else ever had. Bucky’s chest suddenly tightened painfully; this was his only chance to truly show Steve how loved he was. 

Lifting himself up on his elbows, Bucky kept his eyes on Steve’s as he slid out until just the head of his cock remained, before thrusting back in smoothly. He continued on like this, building a steady pace, and Bucky knew nothing could ever feel so good. He also knew he wasn’t going to last long and desperately hoped Steve was close, too. 

As if reading his mind, Steve spoke up. “I’m… I’m gonna come, I can't-” 

Bucky picked up speed then, wanting to watch the beautiful man before him fall apart. Only a brief moment later, Steve bit his lip as he came, shooting his release across his slim abdomen. The sensation of Steve’s hole clenching around him was all he could take, and Bucky was following after, his orgasm overtaking him. It took every ounce of self control not to shout out at the pleasure coursing through his body, and Bucky pressed his lips against Steve’s, whimpering and whining into his accepting mouth.

When they’d both been rung dry, Bucky collapsed beside Steve, neither of them moving as they attempted to catch their breath. Bucky nearly startled when he felt Steve’s hand grasp onto his own, but instead, he sighed happily, turning to look at Steve. The sad smile on his face made Bucky’s stomach drop.

“What is it? Did I hurt you?” 

“No, Buck, it was amazing.” Steve looked up at the ceiling, clearly avoiding Bucky’s gaze.

“Is something wrong?” He asked, still on edge.

A drawn out silence had Bucky feeling like he was going to combust with nerves, but Steve finally answered.

“I meant what I said, Buck,” Steve’s voice was barely a whisper. “We can’t have this. Tomorrow, it all goes back to-”

“Tomorrow I’m leaving and I’m probably not coming back, Stevie,” Bucky interrupted, choking on the words. “I know this is it for us.”

“Don’t you say-”

Bucky rushed to cut him off, “Please don’t do this.”

Instead of arguing, Steve simply wrapped his arms around Bucky, pulling him close. He didn’t say anything more, and eventually Bucky heard his breathing even out. Turning away from him, Bucky hid his face in his hands and cried.

_____

As they stood at the loading dock, watching the other soldiers board the ship that would take them to Europe, Bucky could feel Steve’s hand brush against his. It took everything inside of him to not grab hold of it; to pull Steve into a hug and never let go. When he turned to his Steve, Bucky saw that he was blinking back tears, a sad smile on his face as he stared at Bucky.

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” Bucky joked, giving Steve’s shoulder a gentle nudge.

“How can I?” Steve retorted, the corner of his mouth ticking up. “You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

Huffing out a soft laugh, Bucky took another glance toward the ship and saw that there were only a few more soldiers left to board.

“I gotta go, Stevie,” Bucky croaked, swallowing thickly around the lump in his throat.

Steve sniffled but nodded. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

But instead of leaving, Bucky couldn’t tear his eyes away from Steve. Without thinking, Bucky pulled him into a tight hug. “I’ll see you when I get home, okay?”

“Okay.” Steve patted him on the back and they let go of one another. The sound of the ship’s horn blared loudly. “I’ll meet you there, Buck.” 

_____

_As he lay strapped to the table in Azzano, Bucky did his best not to give up hope, to lose his mind as he listened to men screaming in pain and horror, for hours on end. He tried to think of other things, allowing himself to get lost in his own thoughts. Bucky thought of Steve. Steve’s laugh, his smile, his touch._

_He was sure he was ascending to Heaven when he saw Steve standing above him, calling his name; finally in a body that would never fail him. Then, Steve touched him, and Bucky knew it was real._

_____

_Bucky followed Steve throughout Europe, fighting by his side, watching his six, and doing the best he could to hide the hurt he felt when he realized what Steve and Peggy had together. What Bucky could never have with him._

_But as he fell from the train, watching Steve scream his name, Bucky wished that he’d told him, one last time, that he loved him._

_____

_As he knelt over Steve Rogers’s beaten and battered body, his bloody fist held back, the Asset froze. He knew this man. He wasn’t sure why or how, but he_ felt _something the longer he looked at Captain America’s face. Then, the man was falling, and the Asset couldn’t stop himself from following._

_____

_Remembering his life with Steve Rogers, his unrequited feelings, their night together before he shipped out, and seeing the love of his life fall in love with someone else; each new memory was more painful than the last. Yet, as Steve helped carry Bucky onto the plane, after having nearly killed his friend, and fellow Avenger, he wondered if his mere presence was just as painful to others. To Steve._

_Watching Steve’s face as he stepped into the cryo machine in Wakanda, Bucky hoped there would be a time when he could create new memories. The kind that wouldn’t come back to haunt him, or anyone else._

_____

_Bucky stepped onto the battlefield with Steve, awaiting the incoming enemy. It seemed, time and time again, that this was where they would always wind up together. Perhaps this was his destiny, that he could only have Steve by his side when they were fighting for their lives._

_Later, when he felt his body going numb, Bucky turned to him. “Steve?” Bucky knew what was happening, that he was being taken away from Steve. Again. Before he could say any more, everything went dark, just like it always did._


	2. Love Has Finally Caught Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What *really* happened after Tony's funeral.

**_2023_ **

"Buck," Steve called out and Bucky turned, grinning as he watched his friend approaching. Somehow he managed to look good even in the ridiculous Quantum Suit. 

"Hey, everything good?” He asked, suddenly feeling nervous when he saw the unease in Steve’s eyes.

“I was wondering if we could talk?” Steve had a nervous smile and Bucky couldn’t fathom the cause.

“Of course.” He nudged Steve’s shoulder with his own, hoping to appear nonchalant. “What is it?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking...”

“Bout time,” Bucky snorted, loving the way Steve tried to hide his smirk.

“I guess I walked right into that one.” Steve rolled his eyes playfully. 

“You really did.” Bucky turned to face him. “Go on, though.

Steve straightened his posture and it immediately put Bucky on alert. “Well, I’ve been thinking about this since… since Tony-” Steve cleared his throat and took a moment before continuing. “He was always telling me to get myself a life. You know?” When Bucky nodded, he went on. “I decided I want that. I want the life I could have had before all this.”

Bucky swallowed around the lump forming in his throat, and he felt his blood turn to ice. This was it. Steve was choosing Peggy. That fear had haunted him throughout the war but, after so much time, he’d thought he could lay it to rest. But now it looked like Steve was willing to defy time to be with her; to leave Bucky.

"Yeah? That's great, Stevie. You deserve it more than anyone."

"I dunno about that but I feel like I've earned it... after everything that’s happened." Steve rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he stared intently at Bucky. "After I return the stones, I'm putting down the shield."

"Oh?" Bucky tried to keep his voice steady, even as his heart was breaking more and more with every word.

"Yeah, I wanna settle down, live a normal life for once. I was thinking... Sam could take over as Cap. What do you think?" 

"I think." Bucky rubbed his face harshly, "Sam would be a great Captain America." He sniffled harshly.

"Buck, I thought… I mean, isn't this what you want, too?" Steve furrowed his brow in concern.

"Yeah," Bucky plastered what he hoped was a realistic smile to his face, "I want whatever'll make you happy, Steve."

It wasn't a lie. Bucky wanted Steve to be happy more than he wanted it for himself. He'd always _hoped_ that he could be the one to bring Steve that happiness, but after all the chaos and horrors Bucky had brought to the world, he couldn't really blame Steve for not choosing him in the end.

Steve smiled brightly. "I'm really glad to hear that."

Before anything else could be said, Bruce called them all together. The time machine (and wasn't _that_ weird to hear) was ready. Steve looked at Bucky and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm gonna miss you," Bucky croaked, squeezing his eyes against the tears. Steve pulled away to look at him.

"It'll be okay." But even Steve didn't look like he believed it. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Bucky wanted to scream _no_ from the top of his lungs. He wanted to grab onto Steve and never let him go, to fall to his knees and beg for him to stay. Bucky was willing to change himself in every way, if only Steve would ask. He’d do anything if it meant Steve would stay.

"Yeah, absolutely. You’ve earned it, to live happily ever after with the love of your life.” The words tasted like ash as he forced them out of his mouth, but he pinned an encouraging smile to his face.

Steve chuckled, and gave Bucky a soft smile. "Don't do anything stupid while I’m gone."

"How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."

Stepping into the time machine, Steve stared at Bucky, grinning, and it hurt down to his soul. Steve was happy to be leaving. Of course he was, he was finally getting what he’d always wanted: a life with Peggy. When Steve saw the way Bucky was looking at him, his expression faltered, and Bucky couldn’t have that. Using all his strength, he smiled in return.

“I’ll meet you there, Buck!” Steve exclaimed.

In the blink of an eye, he was gone, and Bucky stood there, staring at the empty platform. Steve’s words echoed in his head, and he knew damn well the last time he heard them, all those years ago. But, Steve couldn’t possibly mean… The tenement they had shared 80 years ago was dilapidated and uninhabitable. It’d been painful to see, as his memories began trickling in after his visit to the Smithsonian, and seeing the state it was in at the time had been like a punch to the gut.

Bucky turned slowly to look at Sam and Bruce, both men stared at him with quirked eyebrows.

“Get going, Barnes,” Sam insisted, looking exasperated. Bruce nodded, giving an encouraging smile.

Although it felt like his thoughts were coming in as slow as molasses, Bucky nodded in return and haltingly walked toward the driveway where his motorcycle was parked.

Bucky could barely remember the drive, the entire journey his mind and body felt like a jumble of electrical wires. Both disbelieving and almost fearfully hopeful. When he finally turned down the familiar street, Bucky gripped the breaks harshly in shock. The entire building had been fully renovated. The windows all repaired, the doors, the stoop, the brick all looked brand new, yet exactly as it had been all those years ago. With watery eyes, Bucky parked his bike and walked up to the entrance, where he spotted a lone brick, slightly askew, and he knew there was a key underneath it. Bucky’s hands shook as he retrieved it and, after taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door and stepped inside.

Bucky’s breath caught in throat then. The interior was nearly all one open area; the walls painted a soothing grey-blue color; and plush, comfortable furniture adorned the space perfectly. To the far left, just like in their original apartment, was the kitchen, and although the amenities were all high tech looking, the layout remained unchanged. Except where a large marble island had been placed. Which was where Bucky spotted Steve, who was now staring at him, a hopeful smile on his face.

“Took you long enough,” He greeted.

“Wha…” Bucky gaped, eyes continuing to dart around. 

Steve approached him then, brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“What are you doing here?” Bucky answered loudly, feeling nearly hysterical. “What is all this?” 

“I thought-” Steve’s face seemed to lose all color, and Bucky’s stomach dropped. “You said… you _said_ this was what you wa-”

“But Peggy,” Bucky breathed.

“Peggy died, Buck.” Steve looked down briefly, as a subtle sadness clouded his features. “It was a long time ago.”

“You can go back and be with her now, though, with the time machine.”

Looking as though he’d been punched in the gut, Steve took a step back. “You want me to leave?” 

“Fuck, Steve,” Bucky rasped. “You know I don’t.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying then.”

“Why would you stay here when you can go back?”

Steve ran his fingers through his hair, clearly exasperated. “Because I want to be with you. All I’ve ever wanted was a life with you.”

Tears began streaming down Bucky’s cheeks. “I’m not the same man I was when we... You’re not bound by those promises. I never expected you to be.”

When Steve opened his mouth to argue, Bucky went on. 

“You know, I never stopped being afraid of dying, no matter how many times it happened. But now? Now I’m afraid of living. I don’t deserve this, happily ever after was never in the cards for us, you said so yourself.” Bucky shook his head but kept his eyes on Steve’s.

“I was _wrong,_ about so much. I’d been so scared of ruining whatever life the future held for you, of tainting it with how I felt...” Steve faltered, his voice cracking. “With how much I _love_ you.”

Bucky gasped audibly, but Steve continued.

“I never stopped loving you, though. I don’t think I know how to.” Steve tentatively took Bucky’s hand. 

“Stevie,” Bucky sobbed, “I love you.”

Bucky wasn’t sure who moved first but in an instant, their arms were wrapped tightly around one another. After a moment, Steve pulled back just enough to cup Bucky’s face with his hands.

“I’ve also never stopped thinking about the way it felt when you made love to me,” Steve whispered, as a blush tinted his cheeks.

“Yeah?” Bucky could feel his own face heating up.

“Nothin’ has made me feel like that since, not even when I dream about it.” Steve’s voice took on a heated tone that made Bucky’s head spin.

“A-are your saying-”

“I’m saying I want you, Bucky, if you’ll have me.” Steve gently rested his forehead against Bucky’s.

“You’re sure? That you want this… with me?” Bucky bit his bottom lip nervously, and Steve used his thumb to gently ease it out.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

Huffing out a shy laugh, Bucky nodded, and allowed Steve to pull him in for a kiss.

_____

Steve pulled Bucky on top of him when they finally reached the bed, their lips separating for only the briefest of moments, as they quickly disrobed themselves. When Bucky felt his bare flesh pressed against Steve’s, he couldn’t stop the guttural moan that it elicited. 

“You don’t have to be as gentle this time,” Steve rasped, pulling Bucky’s waist against his own, rolling hips. “I’m not fragile anymore.”

Bucky nearly whimpered at the thought. “No, you’re not.”

“I was worried, when I first got this body,” Steve admitted, mouthing across Bucky’s jaw and down his throat.

“W-worried about what?” 

“That you wouldn’t want me, looking the way I did.” Even without being able to see Steve’s face, Bucky knew he was blushing; could hear it in his voice.

_“Fuck,_ Stevie.” Bucky pressed a searing kiss to Steve’s lips. “I spent near every night jerking off, thinking about you, wanting to map out every inch of your body with my mouth. And _these-”_ Sliding downward, Bucky flicked his tongue over Steve’s right nipple. “Best goddamn tits I’ve ever seen. Those USO girls had nothin’ on you.”

A high pitched whine burst out of Steve, and Bucky could feel his cock twitch at the sound. After working over both of Steve’s nipples until they were stiff and red, Bucky kissed and licked his way downward. When he reached Steve’s cock, Bucky could feel his mouth begin to water, and was unable to resist as he suckled on the leaking head, savoring the taste like a fine wine. 

“Buck,” Steve gasped, threading his fingers through Bucky’s hair. 

“I always knew you’d taste good,” He murmured before filling his mouth again.

Bucky continued his ministrations, slowly building up a steady pace until Steve was a babbling mess, steadily leaking on Bucky’s tongue. Wanting to up his game, and really take Steve apart, Bucky began fondling his balls, before sliding his finger over Steve’s taint and tentatively rubbed his hole.

_“Please!”_ Steve all but sobbed, tightening his grip on Bucky’s hair. The sensation made him moan, and the vibrations sent Steve over the edge as his release suddenly filled Bucky’s mouth.

After swallowing it all down, Bucky lifted his head and couldn’t help grinning at Steve’s dazed expression; his mouth gaped open and blinking slowly. When he finally seemed to come back to himself, Steve’s eyes opened comically wide as he sat up. 

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” He grabbed hold of Bucky’s hands, his voice worried. “I should have warned you, I didn’t even know I was so close. I’m so-”

“Stop, you don’t need to apologize. I’m happy I made you come, and I was more than happy to have you come in my mouth. I promise,” Bucky chuckled when Steve’s mouth fell open again.

In an instant, Bucky’s world was flipped on its head as Steve rolled them over, putting Bucky on his back as he straddled his hips. Seeing Steve on top of him instantly became Bucky’s favorite view, and it was then that he noticed Steve was _still_ hard. When Steve noticed that _Bucky_ had noticed, he had the audacity to blush.

“I um- uh, can usually go a few times before I’m… done.”

Bucky hummed approvingly. “I keep liking this serum more and more.”

Steve laughed, and Bucky found it contagious, but before long, Steve was pulling him into another kiss.

“Do you still want to-”

“Yes, so much,” Bucky rushed out. “Do you have slick?”

“Most people call it _lube_ nowadays.” Bucky rolled his eyes and watched as Steve reached into the bedside table and pulled out a half empty bottle of lubricant.

Bucky narrowed his eyes then. “How long have you been staying here?”

“A while.” Steve gave a lopsided smile that melted Bucky’s heart. “After the snap, I decided to buy and fix this place up, so you’d have a home to come back to when you returned.”

_“When_ I…” Bucky could feel his eyes begin to pool with tears.

“I was going to bring you back, whatever it took. I’d have done anything.” Steve cupped Bucky’s cheek, swiping away a tear with his thumb. 

“I love you.” Bucky took Steve’s hand in his own, and kissed the back of it, followed by each finger, and then the palm. “I love you, so much,” He repeated.

“I love you, too, Buck,” Steve replied, and his smile suddenly turned mischievous. “Will you put your dick in me now?”

Bucky barked out a surprised laugh and pinched Steve’s nipple. “The mouth on you, Rogers.”

“I’d prefer it be _your_ mouth on me.”

“Oh my god, you are a menace,” Bucky chastised, teasingly. “But yes, that can be arranged.”

Steve leaned down and kissed him deeply, the passion from earlier quickly returning. When Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve and pulled him down, he couldn’t resist grinding his cock against Steve’s. 

“I wanna ride you,” Steve gasped, and Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment.

“I want that, too.” Bucky grabbed hold of Steve’s ass cheeks and spread them obscenely. “Just hand me the _slick.”_

Another blush spread across Steve’s cheeks as he ducked his head. “Actually,” He murmured, “I was wondering if you’d like to… to watch me?”

“Sweet baby Jesus,” Bucky moaned. “You asking me if I want to watch you finger yourself?”

Steve looked him in the eyes and bit his lip before nodding slowly.

_“Fuck,_ ” Bucky moaned, reaching down to squeeze his own cock. “Yeah, Stevie, I’d like that a whole lot.”

As he opened the bottle of lube, Steve smirked at Bucky. “That means no touching, just lie back and watch, okay?”

Bucky stroked himself again but nodded eagerly. Once Steve had his fingers slicked, he turned around, leaning down on his knees and one hand, then spread his legs obscenely. Suddenly, Bucky wondered if Steve had done this with other men, and the thought made his stomach churn.

“Have you done this before? With fellas?” He blurted out, and Bucky winced at his terrible timing. Steve was about to finger himself so Bucky could fuck him, and here he was asking about his past conquests. _Way to ruin the mood, Barnes,_ he thought to himself.

Steve sat up and looked over his shoulder, eyebrows arched in surprise, but after a moment he shook his head. 

“No, Buck.” He huffed a self deprecating laugh. “I mean, I tried to… with another guy but, I couldn’t stop feeling like I was betraying you. You’re the only one I’ve ever been with.”

“Oh,” Bucky breathed, and quickly sat up, pulling Steve into a kiss. “I love you, and I’m gonna make you feel so good, I swear it. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Ain’t nothing to make up for. I know you’ll make me feel good, though, I feel it whenever I think about that night. Make me feel it again,” Steve’s voice sounded strained all of a sudden, and Bucky wanted to take him apart, right then and there.

“Get yourself ready for me, doll.” Bucky kissed him deeply one last time before lying down again. “Show me how you do it.”

Licking his lips, as if chasing the taste of their kiss, Steve kneeled down again and reached back towards his ass. Bucky’s breath caught in his throat as he watched Steve teasing and rubbing at his hole before sliding a finger inside. The movements were languid but practiced, and Bucky groaned knowing Steve had been doing this since before the war. Less than a minute later, Steve was adding another digit, pressing in deep and spreading apart, high pitched grunts escaping him.

“Okay,” Steve panted, removing his fingers and turning around. “I’m ready.”

Bucky was so hard he ached, but he still had to ask, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I like it to… I like it when it…”

“You like to feel it? Is that it, Stevie? You wanna feel my cock stretching you open?” Bucky was unsure of where this sudden confidence and bravado came from, but Steve seemed less than bothered by it.

“Every inch,” He answered, taking the lube and squirted a generous amount over Bucky’s cock.

“C’mere,” Bucky murmured, holding onto Steve’s hips as he straddled Bucky.

Steve wiped his hand on the side of the bed before leaning down to kiss Bucky softly. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Bucky whispered, gripping the base of his cock, allowing Steve to sink down slowly onto it.

Somehow the sensation of Steve’s tight, slick heat felt even better than it did in 1943, and Bucky had to fight to keep his eyes open, refusing to miss a second of Steve’s reaction.

_“Ohmygod,”_ Steve gasped, but when he was fully seated on Bucky’s cock, a small smile formed on his face.

In an attempt to resist immediately thrusting upward, Bucky allowed his hands to roam over Steve’s body; it was so different yet still incredibly familiar, and that familiarity brought him a burst of warmth in his chest.

“I’ve wanted to feel you for so long,” Bucky murmured, his breath catching in his throat.

Steve leaned down and kissed him fiercely until they were both panting. “You can have me for as long as you want me, now. I’ve always belonged to you.”

Pressing their lips together once more, Steve lifted himself and began riding Bucky’s cock like his life depended on it. When he sat up, Bucky took hold of Steve’s hips again, panting as he watched, enraptured, by the sight before him. Steve’s head was thrown back, and his tits bounced so enticingly that Bucky couldn’t stop himself from reaching up and squeezing them. Steve moaned wantonly, spurring him on as Bucky pressed Steve’s tits together obscenely before pinching his nipples.

“W-wanna fuck your tits some day,” Bucky panted.

A long, high pitched whine was Steve’s reply before nodding frantically. “Yes, _anything.”_

Seeing Steve let go, not holding himself together as Captain America for the public, aroused Bucky in ways he didn’t know were possible. Knowing he was _still_ the only one to see Steve like this, to be the one that made him _feel_ this way, had Bucky suddenly feeling possessive of him.

“You’re mine,” He gritted out, holding onto Steve’s hips tightly as he began thrusting into him almost frantically. 

“Yours,” Steve panted. “Always been yours.”

“And I’m yours, always and forever, Stevie.” Bucky bent his legs, placing his feet flat on the mattress, giving himself more momentum.

Steve’s face flushed and he let out a soft shout, “Right there, oh fuck, don’t stop!”

Bucky felt entranced by the sounds Steve was making, and couldn’t have stopped if his life depended on it. Instead, he began fucking into Steve harder and faster, before grabbing hold of his dribbling cock. It only took several strokes before Steve was shooting off in Bucky’s hand.

_“Buck!”_

“You’re so beautiful,” Bucky choked out, as Steve’s hole clenched tightly around him. Before Steve had even finished coming, Bucky was filling him with his own release.

Once Bucky’s orgasm had abated, Steve gently fell forward, and they wrapped their arms around one another.

_____

The next morning, Bucky was seated at the marble island in their kitchen, while Steve flipped pieces of French toast. The domesticity of it all was a new feeling for Bucky, but he found that he very much enjoyed it. Though, he knew he’d enjoy doing just about anything, if it meant being with Steve.

“We really get to do this?” He blurted out.

Steve looked over his shoulder at him. “Do what?”

“This,” Bucky gestured widely. “We really get to have all this? A home? A life? _Each other?”_

After turning off the stove, Steve turned to Bucky and took his hands.

“Yes,” He said firmly. “You deserve this, Buck. _We_ deserve this.”

“But _I_ was-”

“Do you want this? To live here with me?” Steve asked suddenly, brows furrowed, and a worried look on his face.

“More than anything, I just… I don’t want you to regret this,” Bucky repeated, and he could see that Steve recognized the words, even after 84 years.

He took Bucky’s face in his hands and looked him in the eyes. With a soft smile on his lips, Steve replied, “I could never.”

Bucky smiled in return. He knew then, they were together until the end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments & kudos feed my soul <3
> 
> Find me on Twitter @dixons_mama or at tumblr @dixons-mama


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